The Theatre

When I first came to Australia, we lived in a town by the name of Griffith. There is not much to do there in the way of excitement (with the exception of going to the pub), but there is a movie theatre present so one night we gave it a ‘What the Hell’, and had a night of it.

Now, I have to say that I did not think anything would be much different than exists in the States. I mean to ask, “How can you screw up a movie theatre?”

I found out.

The first thing I noticed upon entry was that it was extremely warm in the lobby. The entrance doors were open to the air, and there were quite a few people milling about waiting to go into their particular cinema. This did not set me off due to the fact that the outside temp was ranging from 40-46 degrees Celsius - of course it is going to be warm.

While waiting to enter the cinema that our particular movie was showing (the latest Harry Potter) I decided to buy some candy, and a Coke. My choice was limited (three kinds of candy bars), I chose a Boost bar, and the drink. Now, when I go to the movies one of my favourite things to do is to get the biggest drink they have - a fresh Coke out of the fountain is nice.

“Sorry mate, all we have is 600ml’s” - this equates to a 20oz drink. “Really? Oh, okay just get me one of those that will be fine.”

“That’s 9.00”
Grumbling, I pay the cashier - the words ‘Highway Robbery’ and a few choice expletives enter my mind. The candy bar was one of those small ones you can buy for a dollar at the store.

Looking around I see a multitude of the younger generation. Griffith being the small town it is, I figure that there isn’t much to do and this is the hang out. However, I must admit I had my doubts. Too many unsupervised kids always seems like trouble waiting to happen. Nothing I can do about it. The doors are opening to the cinema, and we make our way to our seats.

Upon entry I am greeted by a time warp. The world fades in and out like a psychedelic video. A voice speaks gently into my subconscious, “Yes, my friend you have just bought a ticket to the Twilight Zone”.

The only description that can give this cinematic experience justice is to state that I had just stepped through a doorway that was in all actuality a time machine starting in the year 2006 and as I exited the thresh hold I entered the 1950’s - the walls, the posters, the décor - everything in its place. I think that the only thing missing was the built in ash trays that used to exist in theatre seating.

Stunned into silence I don’t have much to say and we take our seats. The fake vinyl (that’s right the vinyl was so old it wasn’t even real) chairs were permanently indented with many year’s worth of buttocks. Trying a few seats, we finally find a couple that were a little more comfortable than the last.

Settling in, I realise something is terribly amiss. I look across towards the doorway that we came through, and could see through the shimmering time portal that 2006, still indeed, did exist. Then it hit me with the force of a freight train. The smell. There are few words to describe what 50 plus years of ‘Ass Sweat’ smells like. It was everywhere. I was afraid that my over active imagination was pulling me into the nether regions of hell so I asked my lady for verification. Her reply was simply stated through her wrinkled nose “You didn’t smell that until now? Oh my God! I have been disgusted since we came in here.”

Good, Good, I am not the only one feeling like this is an odd world of movie going.

The thing about stench is that after a particular amount of time most of them seem to fade away. This one did to some degree, but due to the lack of air conditioning, and capacity of the theatre filling with bodies there was not much relief.

Sweating profusely, I intend to make the best of it.

Looking to my watch, I notice that the movie should have started fifteen minutes earlier, and just as I start to say something to my girl, the lights go out. We are sitting in total darkness - The technology of the dimming light switch must have not reached Griffith. A light finally appears from behind us as the projector starts up - the clack, clack, clacking of the reels denoting something definitely old world.

There is an image being shown, but it is not on a movie screen. It seems that the curtain is having difficulties. That is right, my friends, there still exists in this world a theatre that actually has a curtain in it that hides the movie screen between showings. However, this is no ordinary curtain - Oh No! This curtain has magical properties whereby it opens and closes ten times all by itself while the projector is showing us the previews.

The magic curtain ride is finally over and we get to watch the advertisements, and previews. This is the most enjoyment I have had as of yet. The adverts are actually hand drawn. It looks as if they hired some preschoolers to make them up. These were for the local car lot, and the local grocery store. Next, we get the singing candy finding the rubbish bin, but where we would have graphics, animation, and a nifty song to go with the “Don’t Litter” campaign we get still pictures with some song.

Crazy stuff.


The movie actually does start, and then the hooligans start up. Screaming, yelling, and hollering profanities to one another. Cell phones light up, ring, and make noise enough to wake the dead.

I’m getting pissed. My lady notices and grabs my leg telling me to let it be. ”Okay, Okay, but if they don’t quit soon I am going to say something.” She smiles at me, and goes back to watching the movie.

A few minutes later a man a few seats in front of us goes crazy, and yells at them to “Shut the Bloody Hell up!”

Sweet.

Twenty minutes later they are acting up again, and the guy loses his mind and starts screaming at the top of his lungs as he runs over to where the kids are sitting and threatens to kick their little asses.

Smiling to myself, I realise that the movie is half way over and I have not idea what is going on.

The kids are quiet, and I settle in to watch the show.

The movie comes off the reel. It has to be reloaded.

The sound messes up, and we miss an important part of the show.

Now the kids in the back of the theatre are acting up.

I look for the guy who lost his mind, but he must have left at some point In the movie because his seat is empty.

Silently cussing this whole outing, I wait for this nightmare to be over and, at some point, it is. Stepping back through that doorway and into the year of our Lord 2006 was the best thing that happened to me.